Missed Manners

As a writer, I prefer picking my own subjects to write about because it’s more enjoyable for me and goes much faster that way. This month however my editor assigned me the topic of “manners”. My initial reaction to the subject matter? A sarcastically muttered “oh puhleeze” followed with an abrupt “no thanks!” Now both responses sound polite but believe me, they way that I was thinking them it was anything but. All I was feeling about writing a column on manners was a complete “blech!” (Please note that I said “blech” and not “belch” because of course belching is rude.)

Not wanting to cause any problems for my beloved editor however I set about the task at hand. Now generally if I’m unfamiliar with a topic I’m assigned, I like to research it and then hopefully I can get excited about it. But the subject of manners didn’t interest me in the least so I was completely unmotivated. I sat in the living room instead and stared at the ceiling while spinning around in my recliner. Finally my room mate Rob came in from working in the garage.

“Aren’t you supposed to be working on your article?” Rob asked.

“Yeah but the topic is manners and I don’t think it’s important,” I said while spinning in my chair.

“What do you mean manners aren’t important?” Rob said with unbelief. “Without manners our society would totally fall apart.”

“Right,” I said, feeling sure that he was exaggerating. “Prove it,” I challenged.

Rather than explaining his reasoning, Rob proposed that we do an experiment instead and make a bet to go a full 24 hours without either of us using manners or being polite to each other. Then at the end of the 24 hours we would mutually determine whether manners were important to society or whether we could function just as happily without them. The clincher of the bet though was that if either one of us was polite, that person would be deemed the loser. It sounded good to me. Besides I was bored of spinning in my chair anyway. Suddenly the phone rang and I could tell by the look in Rob’s eyes that our experiment had begun.

“Are you gonna get that?” I asked.

“Nope,” he replied calmly.

“You’re closest to the phone,” I said.

“So?”

Irritated by the ringing, I caved in and answered.

“Hello?” It was Rob’s mom on the line.

“Is Rob there?”

“Nope,” I lied while looking directly at Rob.

“Well will you have him call me when he gets in?”

“Yep,” I lied again, determining not to tell him.

“Thanks, Torry.”

“Whatever” I said and hung up. Suddenly this being rude thing was turning kinda fun.

“Who was on the phone?’ Rob inquired.

“It was some old lady looking for someone,” I replied, “but it’s really none of your business.” I then headed to the kitchen to make myself a lunch.

Rob saw that I was making a sandwich so he asked me to make him one too.

“Nope. Not today, loser. You’re on your own,” I rudely informed him.

Rob paused for a moment but I could tell that he was thinking. “Okay but you’re gonna be sorry,” he finally replied.

“Well if I am sorry I won’t be apologizing for it until tomorrow,” I said to remind him of the 24 hour time line of our bet.

He then turned around and headed for the bathroom before making his way back down to the garage. Meanwhile I proceeded to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. By the way, I actually hate peanut butter and jelly but it’s all we had left in the house. Then about 20 minutes after I had finished eating, I was back to spinning in my chair when suddenly the doorbell rang. Remembering how Rob refused to answer the phone I did the same with the doorbell. Rob yelled upstairs to me. “Torry, do you wanna get the door?”

“Nope,” I stated flatly.

“Okay,” he said, “but you had your chance.” Rob opened the door to reveal a pizza delivery man holding a pepperoni and pineapple pizza which just happens to be my favorite. Rob then handed the delivery man a twenty dollar bill and told him to keep the change. That was quite a hefty tip I thought considering it was only an $8 pizza.

“Can I have some?” I asked.

“Nope. Not today loser. You’re on your own.” Rob cheerfully replied while heading downstairs with his pizza.

“Wait a second,” I said sounding superior, “you have to give me a piece! Our bet is over now. You were nice.”

“Nice to who?” he asked.

“The pizza guy! I saw you give him a $20 and tell him to keep the change.”

“It wasn’t my $20,” he replied, “and you shouldn’t leave your wallet in the bathroom.” He then walked off carrying the pizza into his garage.

I was furious! I quickly devised a plan for revenge and I called his mom back. I lied and told her that Rob told me to lie when she called earlier and say that he wasn’t here when really he was. I then informed her that my Christian conscience had gotten to me and I told her that she should call him back and chew him out for making me lie. She agreed. The phone rang, I answered, I called down to Rob to come get the phone and as soon as he came upstairs and grabbed the receiver, I headed downstairs to lock myself in the garage with his pizza.

About ten minutes later I was halfway through with the pizza when I heard the phone ring again. Rob called down to tell me that the call was for me and since I was full of pizza I decided to go and answer it. Rob headed back down the stairs to his food while I picked up the phone. It was Rob’s mom.

“Who are YOU calling an OLD LADY!!!?” she bellowed.

Uh-oh. Apparently Rob had told her what I had said when she called earlier.

I assure you, dear readers that by the time Rob’s mom had finished chewing me out; I was a FIRM believer in the importance of manners.

It had only been an hour into the bet when Rob and I mutually decided to call it off before we killed each other. But Rob was right; a society without manners is destined for destruction. In fact I challenge you that as Christians, we need to have even more manners than non-believers. After all, it is we who are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. And that’s not just a suggestion, it’s a commandment. And a pretty good one too, thank you very much!